As we know, couple discussions sometimes involve moments of great tension and bad mood. One of the most common causes, for example, is often because one of the partners displaces their frustrations onto the other, whether because they had a bad day, some problem, etc. How many times have we told ourselves that the argument could have been avoided? How many wasted hours do we sometimes spend arguing simply out of pride, not wanting to give in? Or we get into that loop of bad mood and tension that we often unconsciously enjoy. Once in that loop, there’s no turning back; you even end up liking to argue. The pleasure of arguing and pride gain power. It’s clear that we cannot avoid arguing, but we can learn to manage conflicts in the best possible way. There are different techniques to control these situations; below, I share some of them with you:
At the first signs of anger or bad mood from our partner: we can cut off the escalation of anger simply with a compliment, a positive comment, or by using humor, to shift to a more positive atmosphere. We should never use humor when anger has already escalated, only at the beginning.
Time out: we take a “short break” to reflect and clarify ideas. If we are already deep in an argument, this technique can be beneficial to put the discussion aside: for example, each person goes to a different part of the house, physically separated to reflect calmly and resume the discussion later. Once resumed, communication is most likely calmer, and activation and/or aggressiveness will have decreased.
Assertive expression of our negative feelings: we should always express our opinions, ideas, or feelings in a calm and concrete manner, for example: “I felt,” “I believe,” etc., directly, without beating around the bush.
Fogging: most of the time, when bad mood is channeled to the other partner, they counterattack because they feel threatened. This technique helps us face criticism assertively: accepting the other’s opinions, feelings, or ideas, even if we don’t share them. It is very important for the couple to assume that each person can have a perception or point of view on the problem and that neither of them has absolute truth: “I understand that you reacted that way because you were tired, but, on the other hand, understand that I felt attacked.”
Assertive question: to help our partner formulate a criticism about the other, but assertively, and to inquire about the reason for the onset of the bad mood, for example: “I perceive that you are in a bad mood. What exactly bothered you about me?”
Negative assertion: recognizing our mistakes is something that is very difficult for us. This technique consists of responding to criticism by acknowledging our mistake, but separating it from the fact of being a good or bad person. Just because we occasionally have inappropriate behaviors towards our partner does not mean they define us; we should not generalize them. This happens a lot in couples, where we tend to generalize when we make mistakes or isolated incidents: “I know, I wasn’t appropriate, I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean I’m selfish.”
Self-observation/Introspection: an effective technique when the person starts to become a bit irritable; they are encouraged to reflect on whether what they are saying is truly what they mean, or if tiredness or having had a bad day is speaking for them in the form of a bad mood, example: “Honey, I know you’re tired, and I think your reaction is due to that, and what you’re telling me you don’t really mean, do you?”
Mutual change: most arguments persist because the couple wants the other person to change, thus entering a kind of circular complaint that feeds itself: acting with pride because the other acts with pride. Each person must take control and not wait for the other person to do so.
People are not taught how to handle these situations; we really act as best we can, improvising with what we have learned and observed in our closest environment, letting ourselves be carried away by our emotions. In love, we are also not taught to communicate assertively, and like everything in life, we can also learn. It is equally important to work on other skills such as emotional intelligence, knowing how to express love, assertively conveying feelings, being empathetic with our partner, expressing what we feel and what we think in a correct way, and learning conflict resolution techniques.