It is increasingly common for parents to seek therapy, terrified at the thought of the effects a divorce process can have on children. It is also very common to find children of divorced parents seeking therapy. Spain is one of the countries with the most divorces in the world; one out of every two marriages ends in divorce, and the likelihood of a union ending increases for those who have been together for more than 15 years.
The separation process is a painful event for both ex-spouses and children. As such, the process has a series of stages: the pre-conflict stage, before making the decision to separate; the separation procedures stage, which develops during the process itself; the immediate post-separation stage; and the long-term effects stage. The feelings evoked by a separation are similar to those of a grieving process and usually last an average of 2 years.The most affected dimensions in children are the emotional area, the intellectual area, and the social adaptation area. It is known that boys need a male figure more and show greater aggression than girls.
The concern caused by not knowing how to explain the divorce decision to a child and when to tell them to make it as least harmful as possible is very notable. There is no definitive ‘least bad’ time to communicate divorce to a child, as it depends on the personal characteristics of the parents and children, the family situation, or the parenting style.
The best way to communicate the decision to divorce is jointly, both spouses in front of all the children, facilitating the expression of the children’s feelings, listening and observing their behaviors, reiterating the decision, and absolving their children of any blame. In therapy, we must convey to parents that they should explain with serenity, sincerity, respect, and affection that mom and dad will live separately, but that this will not cause any harm to their education or the love they feel for them. It is very important to ask them how they feel and talk to them many times about the same decision, but always with the same consistent message.
Based on age, the appropriate time for children under 4 years old is one or two days before the cessation of cohabitation. For those aged 5 to 10, one week before, and for those over 10 years old, 2 weeks before, so they can become aware of the new household structure in advance.
We psychologists have a very important role during the divorce process involving children. We must help improve parent-child communication, support and explain the new changes children will have to face, and reduce the risks of parental alienation. We must also promote more flexible behaviors among ex-spouses when dealing with matters related to their common children and provide them with tools to understand and learn to control their children’s behaviors.
In some therapeutic processes, a group intervention is chosen, thus bringing together children with similar problems. This intervention makes them feel more understood, capable of facing problems with the help of their peers. They generate favorable expectations about others’ attitudes regarding the help offered and increase empathy. However, the best form of therapy is one that adapts to the specific needs of each child.