Some people go through life without experiencing anxiety about commitments. However, for others, it is a recurring and difficult issue in almost all their personal relationships.
Why do people fear commitment? How can this fear be worked on in romantic relationships?
Fear of commitment in itself is not a problem. What establishes a problem is if one harms oneself or harms others. It is essential to understand and be aware of how a person’s behavior can hurt others and, in this way, learn to modify it.
The first thing we need to detect are the causes that led to that situation and thus be able to work in greater depth on the reasons and solutions to their fears. Consider that in many cases, the person has not experienced any “suffocating” relationship, and simply their way of observing other couples may have led them to form their own schema about romantic relationships and what they entail.
Men and women who have active problems committing can be distinguished simply by paying attention to the words they say. They often articulate their fear; they usually speak of their need for “freedom,” “space,” “air,” or their “need to breathe.” When describing their previous relationships, they use expressions like “trapped,” “oppressed,” “locked up,” “tied down,” “suffocated,” or “invaded.”
Facing the change that comes with strengthening a romantic relationship often entails an excess of insecurity, anxiety, and lack of control, so working on self-esteem will be a key factor. As they are usually unable to confront their own phobia, they even go so far as to blame their partner for the failure of the relationship. In most cases, they cannot explain why they fail to achieve a stable relationship, which leads them to look for imperfections in the other person. They often complain about relationships in which they cannot breathe and, after ending the relationship, they usually say they felt as if someone had lifted a huge weight off their shoulders.
Commitment is a choice. Some people call commitment a trap. Fears of commitment are part of the price paid for freedom. With freedom comes the threat of personal loss, and often, it is this threat that takes center stage in problems with commitment.
Considering the benefit gained from starting and maintaining a relationship while feeling motivated in this way will help the person begin to reduce their fear of commitment, and at the same time, allow them to enjoy everything that strengthening a relationship with the other person provides and complements.
Source: The Fear of Commitment. Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.