As psychologists, we know that asexuality is a type of sexual orientation towards no one, meaning an asexual person does not feel sexual attraction to others, but can feel other types of attraction, such as romantic, intellectual, etc. It is estimated that 1% of the population is asexual.
Some asexual individuals, although not sexually attracted to others, practice autosexuality (they masturbate and are satisfied with it, not needing anyone else), as they experience physical arousal, libido, or sexual drive but not directed towards a person. In fact, asexual people can enjoy having sex, but not because they desire the other person, but for the physical sensation or other circumstances such as experiencing the other’s pleasure, feeling emotionally close to their partner, thinking they are exercising, etc. Thus, many asexual individuals often negotiate with their sexual partner the frequency, practices, and conditions under which the sexual act will take place. Another group allows their sexual partner to sleep with other people, and many others prefer not to have a partner if the other person is not asexual as well.
However, psychotherapeutic experience in the field of sexology indicates that asexuality does not only occur in its pure form, but cases of gray-asexuality (boundaries between asexuality and sexuality) can also be found, where patients experience sexual attraction sometimes, but with low sexual drive without wanting to put it into practice or only on very few occasions.
Also, we find demisexuality, which occurs in people who do not experience sexual attraction except in cases where they form a strong emotional connection with someone (feelings of romantic love or a deep friendship) and then can “activate” and feel attraction and sexual desire for this “special” other and maintain an active sexual life. It could be defined as a temporary asexuality until they meet the “right” person, as they do not experience primary sexual attraction (the other’s appearance), but they do experience secondary sexual attraction (usually a romantic connection or the closeness of two people in a relationship).
Asexual individuals generally come to therapy presenting a relationship problem. Mostly, they attend couples therapy because their partner has given them an “ultimatum” to continue the relationship, or because they themselves wish to preserve the bond but don’t know how to deal with the sexual aspect.
In therapy, they resist being categorized with medical diagnoses (hypoactive sexual desire or sexual aversion disorder), as they state that they do not suffer from their asexual condition. They also reject psychological interpretations that explain their situation as the result of defense mechanisms such as repression, sublimation, or displacement of desire towards other goals, due to trauma, violence, lack of stimulation and exploration, deficient sex education, etc. In this sense, these patients make it difficult for specialists to rule out physiological and psychological causes that explain their condition.
This is because these individuals define asexuality as one of many forms of identity and are consistent with their way of feeling. They advocate for relational bonds based on romanticism without having the erotic as a priority objective.
Training in sexology becomes an indispensable complement for any psychologist or psychotherapist, given that sexuality is innate in human behavior. ISEP’s master’s degree in clinical sexology and couples therapy is based on meaningful and active learning, fostering analytical and critical thinking by involving students in problem-solving, project collaboration, debate, participation in clinical sessions, and case analysis like Jenni’s, who identifies as asexual.
Jenni’s case:
Jenni is a 21-year-old British student who states that she has no sexual orientation and experiences no sexual desires. She is what is considered asexual.
“For me, this basically means I can’t look at people and think ‘Mmm… yeah, I want to have sex with you,’ that doesn’t happen to me,” she explains.
“People ask me if I haven’t tried it, how can I know what it is?” Jenni says. “Well, if you’re heterosexual and haven’t had sex with someone of your same gender, how can you know you won’t like a homosexual relationship?”
“Simply put, if you’re not interested, you’re not interested, regardless of whether you tried it or not,” she adds.
Jenni describes herself as “heteroromantic.” And although she has no interest in sex, she is attracted to people and is in a relationship with Tim, 22. Tim, however, is not asexual.
“Many people tell me I’m selfish for keeping him in a relationship where he won’t get what he wants and that I should date someone like him,” Jenni says. “But Tim seems quite happy, so I think he should be the one to decide.”
Tim, for his part, says he is happy, getting to know Jenni and focusing on the romantic aspects of their relationship. “The first time she mentioned she was asexual, I thought ‘how strange!’” Tim recalls. “But then I learned I shouldn’t make assumptions about what that meant.”
“I’ve never been obsessed with sex. I’m not one of those who goes out at night looking for someone to have sex with. I know that’s what many people do, but that doesn’t concern me.”
Jenni and Tim are not entirely exempt from physical contact because they hug and kiss to express their affection for each other.
“There are individuals who definitely see it as a disorder and think that if there were medication, they ‘would fix it’ or that I should undergo a hormonal test,” Jenni points out. “And there are also people who even go further, asking if I was ever abused as a child, which honestly is not an appropriate question. Because, besides, I was not abused. “But there is a belief that something is wrong with you,” she adds.