Expressing love and receiving it adequately is a matter of communication, and our society is not accustomed to expressing affections in an appropriate and genuine way. On many occasions, not to say most, far from showing that we need to be reciprocated or having thoughtful gestures and displays of affection with our partner, what we usually do is “cling” to them.
The desire for the relationship to work leads us to employ erroneous mechanisms such as trying to maintain control of the relationship, ensuring that we remain important to our partner, which can sometimes lead to us overwhelming them with continuous demands, setting a large number of “rules” and telling them what they have and what they don’t have to do, or, alternatively, assuming different “destructive” roles such as playing the victim, pursuing the partner, and/or helping them with everything so that they always need us.
The roles that truly work and add value to a couple are those of lover and friend. The lover is the one who shares passion, devotion, and the manifestation of desire. The friend does not judge, offers opinions and advice, but allows the other to ultimately make their own decisions. Furthermore, they know when to be present and when it’s not necessary, and do not consider themselves indispensable to their partner.
In therapy sessions, people often hide a lot, and the psychologist has to imagine what they are explaining, which can lead to a somewhat mistaken/biased perception of how the couple’s members truly are.
It is fundamental that as professionals, we detect subtle forms of emotional blackmail that are difficult to spot at first glance. To do this, it is crucial to complete a Master’s in Couple’s Therapy and learn to pay attention to non-verbal language and the gestures that accompany each partner’s narrative. The most common physical trick used is making noises with objects, throwing them, or “hitting” the other, even innocently, by tapping them and saying, for example, “Hey…”. This is a way to coerce the partner, who becomes frightened or weakened, and will therefore obey what we want to propose.
Guttural sounds, for example, “Psst…”, followed by silence, to which the partner usually responds with a “What’s wrong?”, to which the other replies “Nothing” by snorting or emitting nasal sounds. Similarly, a dismissive smile when the other is explaining an event are gestures that somehow intimidate and inhibit the partner from speaking when they are upset, sad, or in disagreement with some aspect of the relationship.
Another element to pay attention to in couple’s sessions, and which is highlighted in master’s programs offering specialization in couple’s therapy, are radical or “reproachful” expressions. One that generates major conflicts in couples is “You owe me.” The partner who uses it believes that by being the other person’s partner, they have a series of non-negotiable rights over them. For example, the right to be at all gatherings with their friends: “What’s this about going out with your friends without taking me? In a couple, this isn’t normal!”, they often say.
Then there’s the more or less conscious alibi applied after an argument where the partner’s will hasn’t been bent, and then the other member decides to deliver a “checkmate”: “If you don’t like what you see, no problem, you leave, we’ll end it here and call a lawyer.” Sometimes, they even pull out a suitcase as a sign of threat (Coca, 2016).
Or when the partner asks them to change something about their way of being, they respond with “That’s just how I am” or “When you met me, I was already like this, you should have fallen in love with someone else,” which means they don’t want to adapt to cohabitation or marriage, even though we should be willing to negotiate and adjust when we commit to a project (Coca, 2016).
Finally, as therapists, we must not forget to detect the behavioral tendencies of the couple’s members. Training as a couple’s therapist is essential to achieve this:
The submissive profile is a detail-oriented, romantic person with an exceptional memory, who needs a lover to protect them and make them feel secure, to hug them, to show them that they are very attentive to them. They are very dependent on their partner and if they don’t have one, they actively seek one (Coca, 2016).
The critic is a leader who likes to command and lead the group, even if they complain: “What would you do without me? When I’m not around, nothing works,” they might say. The critic likes to be very active in couple and family relationships, is protective, and their biggest flaw is wanting to encompass everything, which can lead to anxiety. They like power and providing the family with everything they can, boasting about it, and feeling successful, but they can forget to enjoy it (Coca, 2016).
The anti-dependent profile is the most individualistic of all; they like being in a relationship, although their relationships don’t last long. They have high self-esteem, love to be admired, and will have potential partners even if they already have one, which doesn’t mean they will be unfaithful. They tend to be very friendly with their exes because they like to maintain good relations, and they have a very broad social agenda. Furthermore, they take good care of themselves and enjoy mental cultivation. They need a partner with whom to have a playful love and who doesn’t mind letting them be free.
The balanced profile is the one that has the best of all, and generally, it is often a critic, a submissive, or an anti-dependent who has grown, matured, and softened certain characteristics that did not help their relationships: the critic has learned not to be so possessive; the submissive, not to be so demanding and insecure; and the anti-dependent, to be more generous with their partner. It is said that the best couple combination is a balanced person with another balanced person, as both live happily and let their partner be who they are without it causing anxiety. The balanced person with the other profiles will have average compatibility because the submissive, the critic, and the anti-dependent can learn to be better people.
However, the key to maintaining a united couple’s relationship is based on the freedom to choose the other, respecting and trusting them, communicating both positive aspects and those that cause discomfort, prioritizing conflict resolution over being right, sharing quality time to nurture the relationship, and being willing to adapt to a new way of living.