One of the most frequent questions asked to couples therapists in couples therapy is whether it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. This question is not only associated with cases of infidelity, but with cases where a person is emotionally involved with two others and feels genuinely in love with both at the same time.
To provide the most sensible answer possible to this question, several relevant aspects should be mentioned: from the fact that it is morally frowned upon to have multiple partners, as the social construct of monogamous partnership is maintained, to the fact that, although it is a situation that causes pain, it is not wrong or “abnormal” to feel love for two people. What is necessary is to communicate to the partner that this is happening so they can choose what to do and, above all, for us to evaluate the level of commitment we have adopted with them (the partner) and if it is worth not acting despite having feelings for another person.
Being in love with two people: how to address it in couples therapy
On the other hand, to talk about loving two people, it is necessary to consider the neurophysiological differences inherent to the different stages of a relationship.
We know that the first phase of a relationship is infatuation and lasts only between eight months and a year and a half. In it, emotions prevail, which are characterized by being very intense and not allowing us to see the other from a completely “realistic” perspective. The chemical substances that predominate in this stage are adrenaline and dopamine, pleasure hormones that activate the brain’s reward system, thanks to the arrival of novel stimuli. However, our body is biologically unable to continue feeling such emotions for a long time.
It should be noted that some people become “addicted” to experiencing these sensations, so they change partners whenever the intensity decreases. In cases where the relationship continues, it moves to a second stage known as romantic love, which can last between three or four years. In this stage, intense emotions have lost strength, and sensations associated with the action of oxytocin, the attachment hormone, emerge. Thus, feelings are successively built, which, unlike emotions, are much deeper and more lasting. However, what is felt in these first years is characterized by being still an egocentric and immature love, where what matters more than the other person is what they give us and how they make us feel.
After four years, couples would be in a position to reach a third stage which, following the concept developed by Otto Kernberg, would be called mature sexual love or true love, which implies a sense of gratitude for the love received, as well as responsibility for the other such that the life project and happiness of the couple become a personal goal.
Thanks to its depth and stability, true love would be a much more real though less intense feeling, characterized by emotional intimacy, generosity, and empathy, where we want the best for the other and their suffering is as relevant as our own, so there would be no possibility of harming them through infidelity, for example. However, within couples therapy, we know that not all long-term relationships have been able to reach this more evolved type of love.
We must be aware that the sensations that invade us when we are just getting to know someone new who attracts us are not comparable to those other deeper feelings that sustain a more lasting love. What is generally happening is that with the first partner (the longest-standing one), we are in the second or third phase of the relationship, while with the new partner, we would be in the first stage or beginning of the second stage. Therefore, it often happens that this feeling of loving two people at once does not last long, either because that “love” was based solely on chemistry; or because it is very difficult to maintain future plans with two different people simultaneously.
The hypothesis is that when we believe we feel love for two people, according to the definition of mature sexual love, we would not truly be loving either of them. Possibly, those prone to confusing their feelings are those who have not been able to evolve with their initial partner to the mature love phase, often due to a prevailing fear of emotional intimacy or total surrender to a single person. In these cases, the new partner would play the role of what is known as “the included third party,” whose function is to establish a risky closeness with the person in conflict (the one who claims to love two), a role that can also be fulfilled by excessive work, excessive dedication to children, alcohol abuse, etc.
Therefore, as psychology professionals, it is important to emphasize to the patient who comes to couples therapy with this dilemma that before concluding they love two people, it is necessary to reflect on the stage they are in with their initial partner, as well as to assess whether they truly love the second person or rather, are being carried away by the novelty of the situation. It is very probable that before making a decision, the patient should address a possible relationship crisis and try to communicate it and propose solutions in order not to make hasty decisions or ones they might regret in the future, as singer José José says:
“Almost all of us know how to desire
But few of us know how to love
And it’s that to love and to desire are not the same
To love is to suffer, to desire is to enjoy
He who loves intends to serve
He who loves gives his life
And he who desires intends to live
And never suffer, and never suffer”