Assertiveness has to do with the need to take care of and protect ourselves and others, with the desire to build trust and proximity through communication. It’s about contributing to the common good by improving oneself.
Likewise, it is a necessary attitude for the proper functioning of interpersonal relationships and is, at a minimum, a two-way street. It implies generosity and is inconceivable without empathy and consideration for the other.
However, many people believe that assertiveness consists of talking about myself, my desires, feelings, opinions, and preferences. In reality, being assertive implies knowing and also considering those of the people around us, paying attention not only to the feelings that others trigger in us, but also to what we trigger in them (Bach and Forés, 2012).
In this sense, assertiveness is a resource for communicating what I feel in a respectful and timely manner and for receiving what others feel with the same respect. It is not a strategy to hide what we feel. In fact, it would be a mistake to think that it is reduced to using pretty words to disguise our feelings, because what we feel is always communicated in one way or another, whether through words, voice, gaze, facial expression, body posture, etc. What it is useful for is learning to adequately contain and channel certain emotions (Bach and Forés, 2012).
Assertiveness does not mean asserting oneself no matter what. If so, the rights of the other would be contravened, and instead of orienting ourselves towards true encounter and exchange, we would head towards cultivating our own ego, subjugating the other, and arrogance. Furthermore, understood as mere self-affirmation, assertiveness solves nothing, since anger and disagreements are resolved on an emotional level when feelings meet, and not on a verbal level, by resorting to a specific form of expression (Bach and Forés, 2012).
Therefore, we must renounce the instrumental use of assertiveness, orienting it towards exclusively personal ends and using it to get our way, using verbal embellishments or devising more or less fortunate and non-offensive ways of saying something unpleasant to hear. If used in this way, it does not contemplate empathy or active listening, it does not take into account adaptation to various situations and circumstances, and, furthermore, it ends up being ineffective (Bach and Forés). If we are properly trained, with a Master’s in Psychotherapy of Emotional Well-being for example, we must convey all these ideas to our patients in consultation.
In a couple’s session, the man in the couple pointed out that “the assertiveness thing seemed pathetic to him and, furthermore, it implies a great deal of wear and tear when you can get straight to the point without so much fuss.” According to him, being assertive promotes being “politically correct and consequently, false and hypocritical.” He was not willing to have “this type of communication with my wife because if I can’t speak with total sincerity to her, who is my partner and to whom I entrust everything, then who else can I speak to as I please?” He was not considering doing anything to improve communication with his wife, despite her having requested psychological therapy precisely because of a communication issue.
A patient who worked in a multinational company pointed out in one of the therapy sessions: “This assertiveness and empathy thing is really lacking in my company. They should give us a course because when the boss demands something outside your duties and you tell him you don’t have time, he responds with a ‘I’m the boss and I say what needs to be done, period. Whoever wants to adapt adapts, and whoever doesn’t, knows what they have to do.’”
A patient who came in for conflicts with her mother asked in session: “What can you do with a person who never apologizes, and who, when you talk to her, tells you that she never apologizes because she always acts in good faith and therefore doesn’t need to apologize?” The therapist’s answer was: “You can do two things: stop asking for them if, because you ask for them and the other person doesn’t, you feel that they are indebted to you and you feel angry; even telling them that perhaps they are right and that when one acts in good faith there is no need to apologize,” or, continue asking for them if it is important for you to do so, but accepting that the other person sees it differently.”
Although many people ignore the value of assertiveness, it has been shown to be closely related to happiness, as both have to do with the quality of the relationships we maintain with those around us. If assertiveness refers to the ability to communicate in an honest and respectful way, happiness largely depends on the bonds we are able to establish with those others (Bach and Forés, 2012).