“You don’t know how to stay. You arrive, mess up my life, and leave: what you have isn’t love. It’s emotional tourism.” (Edel Juárez)
When we suffer a breakup or have had bad experiences with love, we are like a ship that loses its compass, drifts aimlessly, and at some point, it seems we are sinking, and at others, we don’t know where we are headed. It can even give us the feeling that we are losing control of our life, of our future, and everything that seemed stable ends up disappearing.
In these circumstances, many people go through a grief process that becomes a reconstruction of their own lives and an opportunity for new relationships in the future. However, other people, either by fleeing from pain or as a defense mechanism, become desensitized or treat interpersonal bonds as a tourist activity from which they depart from one place to arrive at another with the purpose of exploring, experiencing pleasure, adventure, and moments of joy and euphoria without thinking much about the commitment and responsibilities that being in a relationship entails.
What is emotional tourism?
The concept of emotional tourism is very little known. An emotional tourist is someone who may be overwhelmed by recent storms and doesn’t know where they are going or, perhaps, isn’t looking for any port. We can also find emotional tourists who are “desperate” to find a paradise, starting their journey with expectations of finding the “perfect partner.” In any case, these people turn out to be more like castaways than explorers, even if their initial feeling is otherwise.
And what about those who end up involved with emotional tourists? They are emotional people, yes, but as the Argentine group La Mosca’s song says, “we all have a love that complicates our lives.” And those on the other side, in the port, end up seeing the emotional tourist as a shooting star that appears and disappears; sometimes present and other times simply showing no sign, only to return to the other with complete naturalness.
Characteristics of the emotional tourist
The emotional tourist often has the philosophy of “take a risk and see what happens.” However, many times the intention is to love in bursts, to ignite a friendship, to enter the histrionic game of coming and going: to brighten the day and break the other upon leaving, but always considering that it is not a farewell because at some point they will reappear. Throughout this emotional tourism, an ever-present feeling develops amidst so much instability; one that has no name or surname and is complex to explain. Many times it tends to be addictive and generate dependency.
Emotional tourism implies the excitement of the new and the attraction to the unusual; both people (or at least one of those involved) know that they want to share with the other, but at the same time, there is no security. This sentimental tightrope, although it causes despair, motivates one to continue and reach the end, which can sometimes be the beginning of a relationship, but many other times, it simply consists of enjoying the journey and even a new opportunity. At this point, one must be careful because being an emotional tourist can become a lifestyle to never get involved and avoid intimacy and emotional pain.
However, many people indicate that they wish to experience emotional tourism for a while, especially after going through long-term relationships. In a way, “they want to go back out to sea, navigate new courses, and discover the diversity of fauna,” if we follow the ship metaphor. In fact, many take risks and assume the responsibility of getting lost in some destinations and wanting to stay in others, as they have been anchored for a long time in destinations that did not satisfy them. For many people, especially emotional people, the journey provides learning, and this allows them to review their horizon from time to time, checking after several stops which destination they want to reach and stay in. The well-managed experience of the emotional tourist allows the person to know when to leave and when to settle, to find and to find themselves.
Are you an emotional tourist?
Finally, most people become “emotional tourists” because they seek or long for the return of life as a couple. They grant themselves permission to navigate, although sometimes they do not have the “adequate equipment” to start the journey or, many times, they are weakened by a previous breakup. The role of the psychologist and the couples psychotherapist is, in these cases, to help the person to make the necessary adjustments to continue with their life, to help them see when they should stop, allow themselves to feel pain, when to continue without despair, and above all, when the tourist life is becoming a shield against the true emotional experience of reciprocated affection.