Raimon Gaja, director of ISEP, has published Volver a Empezar, a new book resulting from the collaboration agreement that ISEP Clínic maintains with the DeBolsillo publishing house.
This time, Gaja has revisited the theme of his last publication Con la familia bien, gracias, and writes again to delve into family relationships, this time focusing on the role of stepfathers and stepmothers. This is a socially charged figure with negative connotations; however, they increasingly play a prominent role within new families. Gaja describes the stepfather/stepmother as a main character who positively influences both their partner and their partner’s children, learning to find a place of respect and security without replacing the biological parent. We spoke with him to learn more details about his latest publication.
His last publication with DeBolsillo publishing house, Con la familia bien, gracias, talks about the different types of families so that everyone can find theirs and discover keys to better handle Christmas dinners, birthdays, etc. Now, in Volver a Empezar, he revisits the theme of family relationships. What led him to talk about family again?
The traditional family is now part of history. New family variants are emerging, and among them, couples who bring children from past relationships into the new relationship. This is a current topic that is still little explored.
Where does the bad image that stepfathers and stepmothers traditionally have come from?
From folk tales. From a young age, we are told stories where a stepfather abandons his children in the forest or a stepmother who envies her stepdaughter’s beauty and orders her killed. In all the stories, they are cruel and evil. We are told this when we are young, and we believe it, we internalize it. It is popular wisdom that creates these types of stereotypes, like that of mothers-in-law being witches.
So, what are stepfathers and stepmothers really like?
They are sensible people. In any case, there are all kinds of people, but the act of assuming non-biological parenthood can only be defined in one way: mature. You become the social father or mother of your partner’s children, performing the same functions as them.
What should the stepfather-stepchild relationship be like?
The same as between father and child, without the ‘step’ prefix. This is achieved by educating together, with both members of the couple sharing the same values. This would be ideal.
But often, the new couple comes together with teenage children involved. Can they be a problem?
We would rather say, a reason for discord. Many children, upon reaching adolescence, have ended their parents’ relationships, leading to divorce or the breakdown of relationships between parents and in-laws. This only happens if the child in question is going through a difficult adolescence, and there are many mechanisms to help them redirect their attitude before reaching such extremes. But this really poses a problem for the creation of new families in cases where the father’s or mother’s partner has no children and suddenly, without experience, becomes a parent to a teenager. Adaptation is then more difficult.
How can the book Volver a Empezar help create a better family?
All self-help books have one goal: to make people realize that their problems are not unique, that more people have experienced and are experiencing them, and that they can continue with their lives. We believe we are unique, although that is not entirely true, as it turns out. According to sociologists, there are 60 different types of families, and ours fits into one of them.
Books like Volver a Empezar will help us, in this specific case, to rebuild a family life. The guidelines we offer in this work will make it easier to integrate into a family with foundations, to find your place, to understand the new role of a social parent.
Why did you decide to title your new book Volver a Empezar?
It refers to the essence of new families, to people who give themselves a second chance after their relationship failed. They start over after a halt in their life, after a tire change to keep rolling.