Rarely, if ever, have I heard in couples therapy one of the members complain because the other is exactly as they had dreamed. Nobody says phrases like: “What bothers me most about Alberto is that he is exactly as I wished.” When a person complains or laments the course of their relationship, what they want is for the other person to change.
Levels of Relationship in a Couple
Affective relationships have four levels of interaction:
One of them is the level of coincidences, where we adapt to each other naturally. At this point, there is no disagreement (Sinay, 2006).
The second level is that of complementary differences and refers to those divergences that, instead of creating discomfort, enrich the common space. For example, when one member likes to cook but hates tidying up, while the other prefers to tidy up rather than cook (Sinay, 2006).
A third level is that of consensual differences, which includes those discrepancies that generate a space for work, change, and consolidation for the couple. It occurs when one member feels that the other makes decisions unilaterally and feels ignored by the other. If this member of the couple recognizes this characteristic and wishes to change for the good of the relationship, this is a starting point for working together. When this dynamic of reform becomes habitual, coexistence with the partner is continuously strengthened (Sinay, 2006).
The fourth level deals with antagonistic or incompatible differences and includes the scale of values, life perspectives, personal and joint projects, different sexual orientations or needs, physical or racial characteristics, social, family, and/or religious origins, that is, everything that has no potential or real possibility of change (Sinay, 2006).
Often, people blinded by the infatuation phase and initial passion, ignore these incompatible differences or believe they can overcome them. Then in session you encounter phrases like: “We have such a powerful physical attraction that everything else is more than surmountable.” “I know he/she is all that, but I don’t care, I need him/her.” “I am bisexual, but I am willing to be heterosexual and restrict my needs just to be with her.” These statements are often very typical in couples who, after a few years, end up exhausted with each other and don’t understand how they managed to be together for so long.
The weight that each of the first three levels has at each moment of coexistence marks the different episodes of the couple. The couple’s history is the synthesis of how they have found self-regulation mechanisms based on these three levels. It is the construction of these mechanisms that guarantees the survival and proper functioning of the relationship (Sinay, 2006).
Let’s look at an example that professionals with training in couples therapy encounter in our sessions:
My Partner Doesn’t Want Children
Laura is 35 years old and has been in a relationship with her partner for eight years and living together for five. She tells us the following statement: “my husband doesn’t want to have children.” Laura wants to have children, but he doesn’t. At the beginning of the relationship, he told her that at some point he would want to have them, and the patient clung to that idea. But to this day, she still doesn’t know when that day will come or if it will even come. Laura feels pressured by her age, and furthermore, she has polycystic ovaries, so her gynecologist has suggested that the sooner she has her children, the better. In this case, it’s not a problem that her husband cannot have children.
The patient says she feels a lot of frustration because she knows that she and her partner love each other, but she has considered leaving him before the situation becomes unsustainable. She points out: “I don’t see myself capable of giving up motherhood, but it’s very difficult for me to give up my partner, with whom I have been very happy; it’s the most difficult decision I’ve had to make so far in my entire life.” “What do you suggest?” she asks the psychologist.
The therapist in couples therapy shows understanding of her situation and invites her to reflect on the fact that both she and her partner have made assumptions; she by believing that her partner would change his mind and being willing to wait until they were “ready,” and her partner by not being clear from the beginning and telling her he didn’t want to have them.
Couples Therapy
Likewise, the psychologist tells Laura that it is difficult to reconcile personal projects with couple projects, and that this situation often happens, so there is no single correct solution other than the one each person decides to take. For one part of the couple to be clear that they don’t want children, for them to know that their wife doesn’t want children, or for them to not want children but their partner does… these are very complicated situations.
It is suggested that she convey her current emotional situation to her partner, with the aim of gathering his opinion without expecting anything in return and making a decision based on what is discussed. To do this, it is important to prepare for the conversation and have clear messages to communicate, in an assertive way, that facilitates contact with feelings to be able to convey them coherently.
At the same time, she is advised to anticipate what her partner might say to imagine how to respond to possible scenarios.
Finally, the patient is reminded that whatever the outcome of this conversation, there are currently differences in couples’ attitudes when it comes to assuming the responsibility of motherhood. However, this is not definitive, as there are also new family structures (single-parent, adoptions, restructured), which allow personal projects to be adjusted with family ones.
A training like ISEP’s Master in Clinical Sexology and Couples Therapy allows you to evaluate, diagnose, and intervene in both sexual problems and couple conflicts.